My journey beyond the cancer seas.
Do you ever have a sense of internal freeze. A slow motion moment of seeing the bullets of your thoughts ricochet around your skull? As if you are starring in your own western version of the good, the bad and the ugly?
Which thought process do you follow in any given moment? What truth do you feed? Which wolf is yours today?
Strikes me that a thing or two can be learned from the humble raising of a hand to declare a mental health scenario. During Covid the arena of mental health became heard and seen in a way that I've never experienced. Not a person can deny the psychological effects of the past few years and its toll upon us all.
It was a relief for me. Having lived with a mother with a likely brain tumour. Through her, by the age of 6, I had seen a huge array of the mental health spectrum. It was all too up close and personal. I carried the legacy of deep shame. Not to mention the learned behaviour of a hyper vigilant caretaker. I had a staunch desire never to be like her, never to admit my mental health was fragile, ever. Even if others could see it.
I've had therapy, a fair deal over the years. And even there I managed to squirm out of admitting my situation. Admitting the ferocious war that burns in my thoughts every day.
I meditate, I yoga, I qi gong, I dance, I write, I sing. I walk, I pray. I even ventured into breast cancer and survived the fray. All the while attempting to navigate the ship of this precious life, with one hand tied behind my back hiding and holding onto the internal tussle of psychological lies I oft tell myself.
Truth stings. Truth is out. Truth will always out in the end.
What do you reckon? Better still hid and left unsaid? Shall we all pretend that this is just my scenario? The rough bag I was dealt?
Or, can we go a little way to accepting that all of us are beyond a tiny bit crazy? It's a human foible, so far as I can tell. That of seeing one's madness and then denying or ignoring it. And the cherry on the cake of blaming others.
There I said it. And it's so worth saying. Because until we can own this shadow dance, how can we hope to manifest anything truely worth keeping?
It's bothered me that some folk seen more able to manifest in their lives. I've watched these folk over the years and pondered what makes the difference? My most recent conclusion is that the folk that succeed are often the ones willing to be honest with themselves and their mental health, without shame, but with a courage most lack.
So here is the thing. Which wolf do we want to feed? The one tussling in our internal shadow land. Or the one accepting our humanity and the humanity of others.
We are all a little crazy. It's no bad thing. Especially if we have the courage to admit to it. Maybe a brighter world can be made from here.