Am I far enough from the scalpel?
 
Am I far enough from the scalpel? Far enough from my own personal hospital drama episode to reflect? These were questions rolling around this head of mine. For months. I pondered about writing of my experience, encouraged by friends, but it made me feel nauseous. The thought of sharing the terror of those first weeks after diagnosis left me distracted and distant. And yet a larger part of me knows that only in coming out into full expression will I have a gnats chance in hell of surviving this emotionally.
 
By nature I’m a recluse. More firmly connected to the trees, hills, seas and hidden places. I think many more have found this gift for self reflection in the arms of nature again. These times we are living in are intense, but I digress. Its often been the way I escape the reality of life, it feels too harsh to me. Humans feel too harsh and unkind. But with a cancer diagnosis I can’t really hide anymore. I think folk like me are needed, or so that’s what the social media memes would have us all believe. Something about standing and being seen, helps when you are redefining your life to have a living meaning.
 
I think for the most part I have been disassociated. You know that one about someone being there but not home. That’s been me. Honestly, living a life with such sensitivity to the world around is very challenging. I feel too much, I feel it all. And that was even before the fateful day in December when it turns out I have breast cancer. Ugh, even saying that feels too intense. I prefer saying I’m now on a journey with cancer. Remission or not its a life journey. A path not chosen. Or at least not one any would openly choose to be on.
 
I don’t want to hide this story. There seems little point. The sobering fact is that its my reality now. And I can at least in some small way demystify it. I think its become a taboo, like death is a taboo. I’m not interested in whether or not I should be sharing. I am sharing, you can choose to engage or not. Firstly I have to raise a huge glass to the medical professionals in the oncology field. Its not bloody easy holding someone when their world caves in. You are all amazing. My background is in alternate health, yet I find I have no resistant fear or axe to grind about how the allopathic team are working with me. At times I have to very determinedly make my point and ask for discussion on the minute details of this treatment plan I’m on. We can all learn new things, no matter who we are. I do believe that the healthiest approach is a combination of protocols from both sides. But maybe that is specific to me. With a grade 3 diagnosis its important to clear any and all rouge cells from the body, they grow fast at this level; it only takes one cell to latch on somewhere and well, we all know the follow on conversations and stories if that happens. So, I’m choosing to do all suggested treatment right now.
 
In reality though, it could happen that I follow all the allopathic protocols and it still doesn’t work. That is one of the hardest things to navigate. How to decide upon the best course through the lands post diagnosis. Its a personal minefield, for everyone on this journey. Hours of research, no, days, weeks and now months. It doesn’t stop. I went numb when I was told, I remember watching myself from outside as the consultant listed my exact diagnosis in her very matter of fact way. She scored no points for bedside manner, but to be fair she saved my life when she removed the tumor and lymph. So I can forgive her bluntness. But yes I had an out of body experience. I think a lot of folk do. I had a dear friend with me, please make sure you take someone if you are picking up results for a story like this. Its crucial. Because you won’t come down for a while and there is so much to digest. You need love in the room with you. I had that. I’m grateful.