My journey beyond the cancer seas
I stared somewhat blindly down the hospital corridor, the fuzzy shapes of staff coming toward me with little definition in their form. Im here for an eye check up. To have a nexus ‘freckle’ spot at the back of one of my retina looked at today. No cancer situation to navigate, so I decided to cycle a half hour and catch a bus in. It felt good to be journeying on my own steam. Albeit a bit of a strenuous early cycle, and I only just made the bus by a minute to spare. Nonetheless it was a goal post, yet another one I have gently passed.
In the wait to see the eye doctor I got to thinking. Its been a few weeks since I wrote and I have been awaiting a relevant moment to commence this blog again. I have been pondering upon what it is that I needed to say and in that moment, sat blind from the eye drops, I tugged upon the nub of something. This past couple of months has been extremely challenging for masses of reasons, misunderstandings, losses, car issues, minor and yet very debilitating health issues. This list is ongoing as I scramble and stumble back into a very changed world. I have never felt more isolated at any point in my journey and yet in the small, tiny moments I am finding my way through. And in so doing finding solace in the necessary enforced time alone.
To be clear there are many of you I could have reached for in my challenge time, lord knows you have been there for me so much this past year. But, and, I need to learn to walk, knowing that I can progress in my life upon my own steam. Its important. Besides, much as I love you all, there are only a few who can relate to a breast cancer story and the aftermath of reshaping a life. And on that subject, sat waiting for my eye appointment I understood that I need to reach out to the few other women I am in 1–1 support with, who are traversing this cancer land. I have a sense I need to set up a group, that can serve as a middle ground between our treatments savagery and disorientating reintegration into the world at large. Somewhere to find commonality and peace. A safe haven.
Its taken this long for me to engage with the idea of being part of a breast cancer support group. I just need mine to be personal and close at this point. I have to accept that normal no longer exists for me. I suspect it doesn’t for anyone out there. Im just in my own small post cancer section of not normal. So, this is to become my new normal. A group to interface with the world, to help translate the heightened sensitivities I am experiencing on a daily basis.
I am walking with a dragon of sorts. Its a creature I little understand, and yet have to trust because it is what is there. A dragon who cannot abide by what I accepted or how I did things in my previous life. A dragon who wants me to survive. No, a dragon who wants me to thrive that I can best serve long into the future. And as hard as it is, I am compelled to listen to this beast lest it burn me.
Speaking of beasts, in the small moments I found a new passion, or rather a long awaited journey. Kindly I am being shown the reins of driving a horse and cart. I have no idea where this will lead, all I know is that it gives me peace and after this past year and a half its a blessing.
Step by step then, slow paced and steady I am moving forward.