A few days ago I was sulking. Going round and round in circles and feeling shame. Real live gritty shame. The kind that leaves you in a funk of despair. Now normally the despair and shame come from the seamless way I leap into my proverbial rabbit holes and then berate myself for doing it yet again. Those place that got dug deep when the traumas of childhood set in. Holes that are with you for life. But right now the funk is like white noise. I let the white rabbit jump in, but I didn’t follow this time. And the shame for now is about seeing the neglected landscape around these holes of mine.
I outed myself. A small thing, but its interrupted the pattern somehow and suddenly I’m circling the edge of one of the holes. The sulk and the shame are just paper masks really, to hide the fear of finding myself facing the barren places I have not nurtured inside me. Interesting what happens when you start unravelling yourself in all conceivable therapeutic ways on the back of a cancer diagnosis. I had no choice but to pull the plug on Alice’s eternal patterns. I know well enough that my particular rabbit holes do not lead to magical worlds beneath. Instead they are places best tended gently, where development was interrupted when I was a child. Places that are best left just for rabbits.
Its interesting about the remembrances we have. Each of us has a different and relevant perspective on a situation. Its always subjective. I don’t really adhere to the idea that anyone is to blame for how I feel. Or felt as a youngster. The key issue is that I have to unpick some of those tangles inside in the hope I can live a better and more peaceful life. Though that is not to deny that it was tough. Really tough. And aspects of it still haunt me.
Right now I am raw, open and outspoken. The word has become a blessed grace. I think I wanted to write this post to acknowledge the gutty underbelly that needs to split apart in me. This cancer inside calls for attending, it asks; how I will live that it may die? And if I am constantly jumping down those rabbit holes, then what abundance is there around me?
Don’t get me wrong. There is so much beauty there in my world. So much I did tend and grow and nurture. Its just much of my life it didn’t have my full attention, like the garden starved of rain or sun grows with limits. And that is what my life has done. There is no more time for this now. No more time for the distraction of pattern play. I need, and I think we all need, to be tending the landscape of our lives.
Its doesn’t really matter whether you follow my path to interrupt your pursuit of the addictive fairy stories that you told yourself. Only that you become aware of your own rabbit holes, be they in relationships, with food, addictions, thought process and beliefs. The list goes on, its as big as a field of rabbit holes. Now you see the analogy. It does matter that you learn yourself. Properly and thoroughly. What do you value? In others and in yourself. Will you create a better world? Do you want to? Are you ready? I wasn’t. I pretended I was. Then breast cancer came and belted me round the head. Don’t leave it to late, don’t leave it until that, or the equivalent happens to you. Lets all learn to skate the rabbit holes and make a better place for the young uns, they deserve it. Don’t you reckon?