I feel a bit euphoric.
My journey on the cancer seas.
Really I do. I mean perhaps its to do with the trial CBD suppository run today, or the fact my cat Taz is now staying here at my friends with me, but I suspect that these things are only heightening my original mood. I’m writing this on the final weekend pre chemo land, though you likely won’t be reading it until next week. Still, it is worth laying down how it feels to be here. Its bloody odd. I had the permanent picc line in my arm flushed today. It had taken three attempts to place it and my arm is a bit battered. By rights I should be curled up on the floor awaiting the poison garden gates to open feeling somewhat miserable. And yet I’m not. Instead I am here writing this and wondering where the fuck all my courage came from. Or am I just disassociating?
I’m learning to enjoy the feel of my shaved head and the new curves of me. What shapes does this new Lys need? Who is she? I feel different, but you all know that I am transforming day to day in this situation, lord knows I have blogged about it in the past few weeks. Still its worth noting that I can almost taste the hint of it today, somewhere out past the mid winter and beyond. Its far off, distantly beckoning me, that new life of mine. And what I can hear right now is firm clarity that the action of this coming new life started on the day of my diagnosis back in December 2020. Its a process and even when I get to the place and this whole episode is behind me, life will still be as poignant as ever.
Tomorrow I am going out with the remains of my fringe, to let it go with the elements in special places that I have in nature. The high top of a favourite hill to let some go to the wind. A beautiful stream to sprinkle some into the water. Onto an earth sanctuary in a hedgerow, that is become my outdoor dance space. And to the beautiful Yews, where I will leave some hair upon their boughs and light a tiny fire to burn the rest. At each point in our lives we can choose to live with a resolute reverence. I am asking you to consider if this rings true for you. And if it does then lets continue with our fabulous self made rites of passage, because that is what this is for me. Life is full of opportunities to mark our growth. The ending of our personal eras and the start of others. Too often we get caught in the challenges of these new births. Well they are challenging, life is challenging and all I’m really saying is that recognising and honouring these times can be a potentially euphoric event, as much as it is catastrophic.
The beautiful friend who shaved my head posted about it on Facebook. It was such a deeply heartfelt and rich post about how honoured she had felt, to be giving back to me, after her own story with cancer. She utterly held me in her grace that day. I felt really treasured by that post and equally honoured by her. That’s also what I mean about reverence. The ability to be resolute with each other throughout the duration of our time here. To revere the spark we all have that serves to remind us of the better aspects of our humanity. Hafiz was right with his astounding quote:
“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being”
This is why I feel euphoric today. Because you are all there showing me the astonishing light of my being. And I am here to remind you of yours.
We are all so breath-taking.