I waited.
I waited. Not long, only about a few hours and I am sure you can all forgive me. I waited because my shoulders needed to soften and my tears needed to fall softly with no interruption as they coursed warmly down my cheeks. I waited as my breath came in sobs and later in deepened sighs. I waited as a my heart cracked open, folding me into its paced gentle beat. I waited as I gazed out of the window absently beholding the trees and their winter branches, my brain slowing in its top tail leaping. I waited and I closed my eyes.
Inside me there is a burning flame of life and a bounce of joy, I feel blessed and I am immensely humbled to be here in this body and on this earth. Such a precious thing, such a treasure. I feel I have literally spent a year unearthing the treasures of me and bringing them into the light of this world. A year of deciding that, yes, I do indeed want to be here in this thing called life. A year choosing to believe that my task was about learning to live. A year committing to going into the cancer seas and trusting I would return to tell the tale.
Around my head in this past year has been the echo of a quote from Lawrence Edward Grace ‘Titus’ Oates the 32year old captain who was on the Terra Nova Antarctic expedition in 1912. On his 32nd birthday in an act of self sacrifice, he walked from the tent out into a blizzard and never returned. He had sustained gangrene and frostbite and believed that he could give the others a chance of survival if he gave his life. Scott reported in his diary that Oates last words were “I’m just going outside and maybe sometime.” Wolves will do the same. And also the elderly in ancient cultures such as the Native American. The sacrifice of one for the greater good of the whole. I confess that I never really knew if I would come back to you all, hence why the quote rattled around my head, though my version was “I’m going into the cancer seas, I may be sometime.”
Well I was gone sometime, a year in a life. I bow my head to you Captain Oates, your courage all those years ago strangely helped me to do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And now there is nothing like waiting for a result, especially a medical one and I have been in a place of waiting for about 5 weeks since I went in for my MRI in December. Today I spoke to my oncology nurse. Today the waiting stopped for this part of my journey. There is more to come, with future yearly tests, but, and, for now…
I am clear. My CT whole body scan is clear
I have no visible cancer in my body or chest.
Here starts the journey of rebuilding my life. Here continues the service of holding out a helping hand to others standing at these shores. The wheel turns and we all move on.
“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvellously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
With deepest gratitude and love to you all, may you find peace.
