My journey beyond the cancer seas.
I remembered to stop.
I remembered to just put it all down.
Im having a still moment this afternoon, I didn’t turn up to meetings or make the calls I needed to. Its just me and the cat on the blanket at the back of the garden. I almost didn’t bring the laptop, almost. But then I thought, well its a helpful tool for noting insights and besides there is no internet here so Im safe from distraction. The phone is on aeroplane mode, and it will stay that way for as long as the grass still shakes in the golden sun and perhaps for longer.
How do I feel? Confused and not unlike a snake halfway through shedding that has stopped to wonder whether it is putting the skin on or taking it off. You know the moment. The point where the sky and sea merge into one same glorious blue on a far off horizon. Or the end of the most spell binding book and you have no idea if there is, or ever will be a sequel. That moment of blankness as you awake and before the consciousness of you sets in.
The blissfully strange paradox of an in between moment.
Of late I have been listening to numerous teachers on the topic of manefestation and the brain process. The thread through each teaching seems to suggest that forging an abundant future is just a perspective away. One in which you cease to create futures from your past, instead creating them from the now. Its a conundrum, one I have set my will to with dedication. I am meditating daily, using various guided sessions. I can see how this sense of shedding the old skin is a huge part of my unlearning in order to create anew. Its uncomfortable. I have no reference points. Sometimes I am joyful just because. And sometimes I feel a bit grumpy as my internal world appears to be altering faster than the outer world seems to be keeping up.
Again this is just perspective. Because ultimatly my present reality is changing too. Its just quieter in its advance. Have you tried watching a leaf grow? From the change in texture of the bark, to the tight bud, to the uncurled leaf it appears to take so long, and yet the growth happens in a flash. Time is indeed a strange creature and of late I am seeing the world in snapshot moments rather than linear progression. I have a sense of a game that you start over and over. Or the movie Groundhog day where each day is identical and yet not. The same set of circumstances can appear jaw droppingly different each time of looking and with each moment of experiencing, should we so choose. So my outer world is changing as with my inner world. The bud, leaf, fruit and winter branches are all present. Time just seems to weave in and out of them.
There is a redbreasted robin chirping at me in the chestnut tree and the walnut leaves are that orange green of newness in the late afternoon sun. The cat is tranquil here beside me. Every time I am out of sorts nature does its magic. In its convergent state of constant flow, things just are as they are. I can see the coming winter of this garden scene in my minds eye, as clearly as I can hear the present voices of anyone I think about. I am sure that Im onto to something with this meditation story. For now I will just remain confused and continue.
Perhaps a pinch of curiosity will help the progressions.
Its mind expanding stuff indeed.