Resistance is futile.

My journey over and beyond the cancer seas.

I have resistance and I also know how futile it is. Resistance to sitting and writing this blog because I seem to be under the mistaken idea that I have nothing more to say after a year on the cancer seas. The full all clear has been declared and part of me anticipates that my writing is only relevant in relation to my cancer story. And even as I write that I know its not true. So why do we believe these self limiting things?

As a much younger being I well remember the days of leaping up to be seen and perform, most often to be told to sit down, stay still and be quiet. But then I was never much of a conformist, so up I would pop again and be centre stage, with all the attention I thought I wanted and…

And I would freeze, forgetting everything, and sitting down again in a puddle of stuttering mumble.

I wonder if any of you can relate? I suspect it is a common theme for many folk, this fear of being fully ourselves in the eye of the public. Coupled with a great need to be seen and heard.

Its not that I was ever that concerned about the ‘audience’ I have had over this year for my writing. That wasn’t my drive for doing this blog. Though I do feel grateful for my followers. I have written because it was a lifeline. Something that hand over hand, pulled me back into the safety of life’s warm bosom. So I suppose now I am on land with you all, there is a necessary reckoning to this form of expression. Does my blog need a definition other than the expression of my life? Some would say that reading your audience is important in the process of writing. Perhaps they are right and perhaps it will be good to work with the arising themes of the moment.

I am curious what any of my followers out there would suggest. So, lets open it up and ask. Is there anything you want me to elucidate upon in this 500 word weekly missive from the life of Lys Wild? Are there burning questions you have about any aspects of my journey so far? Are you content for me to bring to the table whatever is relevant each week? Are you invested in knowing about the steps I take back out into this changed world ?

I will keep writing one way or another even if no one makes comment, because in spite of the resistance, I seem to have no shortage of wordage upon most subjects.

In fact this medium allows me to say my piece without interruption, and this fills me with peace. Somewhere between my younger time as a shy attention seeker and the adult version of me, I stopped trusting myself. Instead I started to become the listening post in my life and my work. I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted. This was a pattern that stopped totally after the diagnosis. I realised that I needed to find the courage to express, and not leave myself out of the equation of life. Being a listener and a watcher has its advantages. Yet I now understand how damaging it is when we don’t fully engage with being alive, whatever that looks like.

So, here I am engaging! How interesting.

I am curious what comes next.