Touching the dawn
my journey through the cancer seas
Another dawn. Up with my cat and out into the extensive back garden where I am staying. The ritual follows a similar sleepy way each day . Welly boots and dressing gown, glass of water. Carry the cat down. Still fielding a story with the resident cat here, so separate garden times and areas of the house at the moment. Anyhow, we wander through the lush grass of buttercups and daisy’s, did I mention I take off my wellies and walk barefoot? Come to think of it, I have no idea why I put the wellies on in the first place, but at 4.30am dream brain is on and practical brain mostly disengaged.
There is a spot at the top of the garden near the fire pit where we end up. Sometimes the horses are out in the next field and want a bit of the lush grass, only fair really. Taz my cat is a great companion, we used to go on walks a lot when he was a youngster, and it feels very lovely to be doing it again. As the dawn sun raises itself through the ash trees and onto the grass I start a gentle Qi Gong practice, interspersed by Taz chirping and insisting on strokes at different points. By the time the sun is properly up in the sky, I am awake and energised by my morning moment.
Then we head back in, sometimes Taz takes off for a hunt and catches up with me later via the tree, up onto the flat roof and in the open window. He is a clever soul and I am blessed to have him in my life. Especially since I have been feeling the loss of physical connection a lot recently. Being immune compromised from chemo is like being behind glass, where you can see others but can’t reach through. Strictly speaking I can reach through, but the cost could be an infection that puts me in hospital on antibiotics. Its a pig. And the emotional side of it has been hitting me hard the past week or so. Taz helps, as does my dear friend who I am staying with. We can hug. Its just something to do with the freedom to be able to safely hug all of you lot that I’m missing.
In a way we have all had to manage this level of disconnection over the time of the lock downs. Just that my lock down is set to go on for another 5 to 6 months. So, I need to refocus on the tools that have been helping me with this situation so far. In this instance a lovely friend introduced me to havening earlier on this year, and we have been having regular zoom calls to navigate that arena of self soothing and visualisation. It is a fantastic skill, genius in its simplicity and accesses the receptors in the brain that give you the feel good factors. Essentially, you are hugging and soothing yourself whenever you feel anxious or in need of grounding touch. She is a great guide through this practice and as with all the folk supporting me I thoroughly recommend her wonderful skilled holding.
When I reflect upon my life up to the point of diagnosis I realise how much I had taken touch for granted. As a shiatsu practitioner I regularly held folk. I mean literally, held their arms, legs, heads, necks, bodies, all of them. Applying the magic of traditional Chinese medicine acupressure, stretching, palming and deep fascia work. I was said to be good at it. Great to know. What I knew for myself is that it helped to keep me grounded and alive. I loved meeting people on the mat and journeying with them through body. Safe touch. The kind that we rarely get, not from family or partner, just touch from one person to another. I miss this. I miss the me that could do this. Hopefully my time will return in this realm. Changed I’m sure. Its a great service to offer the world of broken souls.
And here I am feeling as broken as the souls I worked with. To be fair I have had shiatsu from another dear friend and that has helped too, he is a wizard of his art. And acupuncture, though its much more distant regards connection, we do have good chats and its very grounding. Therapy helps to iron out some of the pain of the loss of my former life, recommended to have in deep waters like this. I trust better things will come and look forward to massive hug fests on the other side from you all.
Meantime, dawn with Taz will continue, along with my array of coping tools from supportive friends.
I am blessed.
