Walking Beside the Yew.
Natures hand through a chemo maze.
I’ve always rather loved Yew trees. To me they have an elegant, silent majesty and a depth of stillness that holds you enthralled when you are under their branches. Nearby where I am staying is a small copse of them that feels to me like I’m entering natures cathedral whenever I spend time in their kindly cover. And I do spend a lot of time there these days, not least for the fact that this awe inspiring tree is literally my medicine.
I had an epiphany back in January on a slow wander in the fields just post my mastectomy. From the vantage point of the top gate my eyes were pulled to a small copse on the near horizon and I resolved to venture down to find out what it was. It took about a week or so more to get the strength up, but one drizzle cold day I started walking and found myself on route. I don’t mind a good path, but equally some journeys require a bit more off road navigation and this was one of them. So over a couple of gates on my single minded bee line, I was very amused to find myself being stalked by an old male llama. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen, its long neck was stuck out horizontal to the ground so that its head appeared to be right at the top of its legs. It took me a startled moment to realise what I was looking at, but I didn‘t stick around long as I have little knowledge of the creatures. Who knows, maybe he was sizing me up as a potential mate!
Anyhow laughing I navigated the final muddy field and fence and found myself in the woods with the aforementioned Yew cathedral, and I have been going there ever since. Though via more well trod paths these days. I figured it was best to let the old male llama alone. It was after this calling to the woods that I found out that part of my treatment for the breast cancer is taxotere or docetaxol, which is a semisynthetic chemical compound that was originally derived from the needles of the European yew. It forms part of the chemotherapy treatment that I will be having for the final 3 rounds of my chemotherapy. And though it hasn’t obliterated my fear of this piece of the journey, at least I feel I have a strong ally now.
It can be compulsive to research the chemicals that will be pumped into your body during your course of chemotherapy. It can also illicit avoidant behaviour and to be honest this had been my route through. I hadn’t really wanted to know. I opted for mastectomy over chemo, then radiotherapy before chemo. All the while knowing that with a stage 3 grade 3 diagnosis, chemo was firmly on the table. I’ve mentioned before that its to do with the eradication of the fast growing cancer cells that may still be circulating my system and it took nearly 6 months to find some inner peace around it. I sincerely thank those dear Yew trees for somehow holding my hand to a place of acceptance.
The hardest bit of these treatments is the alien factor surrounding them. Most of the folk I know, myself included, have barely taken paracetamol for any complaints. So it is a big learning curve to step into this chemical high tech world of modern medicine and to find a modicum of normalisation. Or understanding. Enough that I can bend my head around, and feel satisfied that it is a supportive choice. That is why I am walking with the Yew trees. They are much needed guides for me right now. A solid and sure piece of nature’s medicine to anchor me here.
