My journey through the cancer seas and beyond.
Its a good few weeks post the last round of chemo and I am noting how fast everything seems. Some days I have energy to push forward, and other days I simply have none. I feel like a stop start wind up toy, one that zig zags across the floor as it bangs into chair legs and tables. Turning its trajectory according to the obstacle it encounters, over and over again, until it grinds to a halt waiting to be wound up. I knew life had changed. But knowing is not experiencing. Now I really understand how much my life is changed. And yet I do quite like the randomness of the zig zag path I am on presently. I enjoy being seen as a bit random.
What is apparent is that I seem to have more questions than answers. Perhaps that was ever the case. I am sure the care givers of my past would contest I was a constant infuriating asker of why, about almost everything. And it is the same now though I have no resistance to it at all. I don’t have any answers. Maybe for a while I did think I had some. But they all left with sidelong glances many months ago. I have to shrug, its what I do now, a lot. I think more questions are key in all this, the more the better. I mean what is it all really about? Why does what we do in the world come to mean more than who we are? Can we find a less obvious response to our perceived relevance?
For example, I recently was asked to speak of what I do in the world as if talking to a child or alien. To speak about it in terms of the thriving core of blood pumping life that is me. Beyond the definitions of healer, teacher, doctor, driver, waiter ad infinitum. And what arose was interesting in a non linear kind of way. What do you do Lys? I companion others in the midst of trauma and grief, not because the landscape is easy, but because it is known to me. What else do you do? I pull the thread of a persons story, so they can hear it being told and be witnessed in the telling. And? I offer unique translation of the inner language of the body as it traverses pain, illness, joy and wonder. Is this all you are Lys? No, I am all at once bigger than the infinite universe and smaller than the tiniest atom. What is your why? To keep on asking questions of life with as much love as I can find.
So you see the philosopher has taken over the building that is me and I sense this is a line of enquiry necessary for us all. Or not, its my way for now as I land into my unfolding evolutionary self. One practical thing that has made sense is to continue a journey with animals and so I have applied to volunteer with rescue horses. I confess that the language of animals is far easier to understand much of the time. It soothes my mending and brings me joy amidst the chaos. If I ask the question again of what do I do in this regard I realise that I enjoy the translation of love that emanates from another species. Is that maybe because I find my species, including myself, to be challenging and contrary? Yes, that is a truth. Shhhhhh, it is a truth that us animal lovers out there share in common I think.